The Male Call Advisory Board™ (Linguistics Division) has noticed some disturbing trends in ladies’ dating profiles. We’re not saying that the guys don’t have their own gobbledygook, but from what we hear, the men are more about just outright lying.

Here, then, are nine annoying or meaningless phrases you can go ahead and delete from your profile. Some of these we’ve covered in previous columns, but apparently you weren’t listening (might be a “Midwestern values” thing).

  1. “Big heart” — No one knows what this means. It seems to imply that you rescue cats, hand out food coupons at freeway exits or cry during Avengers Or maybe you pay your fair share on group outings.
  2. “Love to laugh” (especially if your main pic shows a grumpy face). Here’s the deal: if you really L-T-L, show yourself in a humorous situation or….hmmm…say something funny. Oh wait, you don’t mean you’re funny; you mean you want your date to make you laugh.
  3. “No scammers” (Oooh…she doesn’t want me to scam her…I’d better leave her alone!). This is a bit like walking down a busy downtown street with a sign saying, “No pickpockets.”
  4. “Friends say I am…” or “Friends describe me as…”. Maybe your friends do tell you this, or maybe they just tell it to your face. Either way, it sounds like a self-serving cop-out. Now, if you were to say “My ex-spouse describes me as…” it would have a lot more street cred.
  5. “I look younger than my age” (super-especially, “Friends say that I look…” or “Have been told I don’t look my age.”) Your pic, if it’s reasonably recent and doesn’t include all your club mates, tells us what we need to know.
  6. “Midwestern values.” Really…as with “big heart,” no one has any idea whatsoever what this means. Maybe you want us to picture fields of wheat waving in the wind as you play hide-and-seek with a prairie dog. Or maybe you just prefer a beer over some Coastal Elite’s fancy wine.
  7. “Just ask” (in place of a profile paragraph). This is the cop-out of someone too lazy to even say “I like walks on the beach, Netflix and a pleasant, not-too-hoppy Midwestern beer.” Fact is, we know you don’t really mean it. You just don’t feel like making the effort.
  8. “Drama-free.” Translation: you live in a coma.
  9. “You will have to message me because I am not a member” (of this free site). This has the earmarks of someone doing a copy-and-paste from another site. This is especially noticeable on Bumble where the guy can’t even message you first! So, unless you’re on Match.com or FarmersOnly you can just scratch this nothingburger.

Now, do the guys have their own nonsense language? Are they looking for their “partner in crime,” their “last first kiss”? Let us know. Friends say we might need some new phrases.

Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at jrobertpenn@aol.com. For more words, ideas and whimsy, visit jveeds.wordpress.com.

Photo on Foter.com

Written By

A significantly over 40-something Phoenix-based writer, author of On Being Eight Again and The Tao of Coyote. Divorced with no children, he has been exploring the dating scene and collecting tales of woe for many years.


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